Pardon my French!

Learning french for me is a real challenge. Admittedly I am not a very good student, possessing a mind that is rich with imagination but easily distracted, as well as pathetic lack of self discipline. My grammar is horrible, and my pronounciation worse - in fact the french understand my english better than my french, even if they don't speak english! My friend Madame V can only understand my french when she is wearing her magic lunettes (eyeglasses), and we share many moments of hilarity when my mispronounciations take a conversation down the wrong path, ultimately leading to confusion and misunderstanding. English has replaced french as the international language of diplomacy as well as business, so more and more parisians have a basic understanding of my native tongue and are always happy to interpret popular french vernacular for my benefit. I carry a little note pad with me at all times to jot down my "vocabulaire du jour", and I would like to share some of the more - shall we say - colourful phrases with you. For example; in America, during a heavy rainfall, we say, "It's raining cats and dogs!" But in France, the expression is "Il pleut comme le vache qui pisse", which means "It rains like the cow who pisses!" Following the cow theme, (the french are quite fond of cows) one might exclaim "La vache!" ("Oh the cow!") which is the equivilant of "holy shit". The other day my friend Helen was showing off an adorable new handbag she had just purchased. It was large as is the fashion, the perfect size for an overnight bag, and when I mentioned this fact I learned the french expression for it; un "baise-en-ville" (pronounced bez-on-veal), or "B.E.V." This literally means "fuck in town"! A girl packs her b.e.v. to meet her lover for their "histoire de cul", their "story of ass"; what americans refer to as an "affair" or "walking the old Appalachian Trail". France being a culture full of contradiction, it was explained to me that the word "merde" (shit) is sort of a national word, a classic word that is not neccessarily considered vulgaire no matter who uses it. However, to say the equivilant of "it pisses me off" is "ça me fait chier" or "that really shits me" and considered a vulgarity. Now, if you can make sense of this logic, please clue me in because I don't get it! If you are a very proper and pious little old lady in France, you might exclaim "Flute!" because it rhymes with "zut" which really means "pute" (whore). Zut is to pute what darn is to damn, or "sugar" is to shit. And "flute" is even more refined, (but means the same thing). Interested in the french translation of "motherfucker", I was suprised to discover there isn't an actual word, rather more of a sentence. Trying to explain in english, my friend Jérome said this; "Start your mother, I am going to restart you!" Seeing my confusion, he said, "You know, if you call your mother, I'll do you again!" Which basically means "I'll fuck your mother and get her pregnant". Not quite the same thing as motherfucker, but a fine insult nonetheless. They do from time to time say, "Yo Mama" (Ta mére), or "Ta mére la pute" (your mother the whore). Snap! This of course, would be vulgaire and is to be used sparingly. I experienced a moment of enlightenment when I discovered the literal translation of cul de sac, a common phrase in American suburbia. We all have lived on a cul-de-sac, or know someone who does. Allow me to translate; "cul" means ass, "de" means of, and "sac" is a purse. The ass of a purse. All these years we've been telling our friends we live in the yellow house at the end of the ass of a purse! Who knew?